First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]