Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.