I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!