“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
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Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta