My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.