life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
You Might Also Like
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
True?
#Caturday
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here