I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
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Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?