I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: