4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.