me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
The honesty is refreshing
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: