Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
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“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Pringles
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.