Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?