I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
You Might Also Like
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again