I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Oh deer
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I have no passwords left in me