So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
britain’s three elite institutions
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
THE AUDACITY. 😤
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go