I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Coffee for people with no kids
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea