Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’