This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.