Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When I said I liked it rough.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet