I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd