I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
screw you
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.