I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.