where’s Godzilla when we need him
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.