I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.