a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
You Might Also Like
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.