[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
LMAO.
how to market bottled water to dads
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer