Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Oh we’ve met.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The Onion called it…again.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Not today
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*