Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?