british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.