the only organized thing in my life is crime
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun