(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.