*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
accurate
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
She puts the hot in psychotic
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.