*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.