My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.