Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
sigh
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA