Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
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Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..