Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
You Might Also Like
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Cats (2019)
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.