I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
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Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..