Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
i want to work in this restaurant
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese