[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.