God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
You Might Also Like
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’