Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
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#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.