When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
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[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.