the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
*exercises sarcastically*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?