Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
12653.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!