Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.