It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You Might Also Like
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.