If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Love thy neighbor’s dog
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?