Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.