I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline